Not unlike the majority of earths population, I spent the average 9 months in my mothers womb, growing four average limbs, ten average toes- an average ear or two- my nostrils and two lovely clavicles that adjoin my shoulders to my chest. Now, inhabiting a uterus for 9 months does have the tendency to become quite dull, so I learned to keep myself busy, playing such fetal favorites as umbilical cord tug of war and count the red blood cells. However, this only entertained me for so long and I soon became disillusioned with the whole “soaking in placental juices” thing, and it was perhaps appropriate that I was born shortly thereafter on the twenty-second of March 1990. Now although my birth date was on the exact date that my doctor had prognosticated, my birth was still somehow unexpected and I was heaved out in the back seat of a minivan, 2 feet above the sweltering asphalt of the Florida turnpike.
My aberrant behavior (to be expounded upon later) began when I was 3, when I fell from the 15-foot fence that ran the perimeter of my preschool. The accident occurred while trying to obtain a stick of exceptional quality(the best ones were scattered in the forbidden parking lot) that would serve as my sword and my omnipotent auspice over my peers, who would pour all the gummi bears in their lunch boxes at my tiny regal feet. My tiny regal hands were indeed tiny and regal and lacked that meaty edge that would have allowed me to hold on with any sort of certainty. I fell at the 15 foot mark, and in a dubiously credible act of acrobatics, I did two and a half back flips, landing my head squarely on a the conveniently placed boulder below. At the hospital the doctor anesthetized me and removed a small damaged portion of my brain. I got ten stitches and red tootsie pop. Tootsie pops are gross but I was totally the coolest kid in preschool for a week.
I grew up in Miami, Florida where much of my time was spent collecting seashells and throwing them at birds and sleeping tourists. It is there where I grew up (to be expounded upon later in great detail) and met the guys I am currently sharing this blog with. They are some of the most precocious and flavorful individuals I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting. This is going to be an interesting little experiment if they have anything to do with it. I have been described, by my peers, as romantic, slightly cynical, delightfully discursive and offensively hirsute. I enjoy blurring reality and fiction to brain churning levels and have an unfortunate proclivity for lengthy appositive phrases and pretentious vocabulary words. My name is Chris Stair.
-Based on things that actually happened.
P.S. I like Korean girls (this is not a direct reference to David Lee).
DO you guys have any interesting stories involving your birth or childhood memories involving brain trauma? Please share!
-Chris
June 14, 2008 at 1:37 am
My parents never told me about my birth. I was born a normal child, which is a miracle itself considering there are so many different possible birth defects.
When i was 5 i split my head open running in circles and jumping on the bed with Kaori. i distinctively remember her shouting something like “diiie!!!” in Japanese, followed by the most sinister (but playful) laughter. I blacked out for a second, and when I opened my eyes, I saw my purple teddy bear sweater drenched in blood, I had fallen head first unto the radiator (reference: http://www.sz-wholesale.com/uploadFiles/oil_radiator_oil_heater_783.jpg) . Of course at the time I didn’t understand how serious a head damage could be, and found it amusing with all the adults running around screaming in panicked Japanese. But being who we are, they didn’t think to call an ambulance and made me watch the tele until my mother could pick me up and take me to the hospital. Kaori would not lend me her checkered pink blankey and I hold this act of selfishness against her to this day.
Aren’t head injuries fun? Being children and having done so many things most would never dream of doing today (unless one is on the show Jackass)
June 14, 2008 at 3:10 am
Anyone who would be offended by your hirsuteness has very weak sensibilities.
June 14, 2008 at 4:20 am
well, when i was almost two, my mom decided it was naptime and she put me to sleep on her bed. I decided i didnt want to sleep so i ran to my room and started jumping on the bed. Then i jumped off the bed, didn’t land right, and hit my head on the wood part. I was of course rushed to the hospital, and got 22 stitches accross my eyebrow =)
June 15, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I remember sometime before middle school taking not one but two nasty backward spills off a very innocent swing set in my backyard. I moved fluidly with the usual back and forth motion any swinging exercise demanded but somehow managed a most unnatural and painful arrangement: a meeting between the back of my head and the hard, packed earth below me. The initial blow was bad enough but did little to keep me away from the exhilaration of swinging. Off I went again, still a bit dizzy from the impact of before but determined to avoid any further incidents. Before I knew it, I was in my mom’s arms, hot tears streaming down my face, my head throbbing with blunt pain and the sting of a lesson hard earned after yet another disastrous fall that mirrored the first. I was alright in the end but needless to say I grew wary of swings for sometime after that. Ha.