July 2008


As you may or may not know, the mastermind of our blog, CStair , has left for a religious pilgrimage…. sort of. The details are hazy to even the SConnoisseurs but we know that it was planned months in advance and that he will not be able to contribute to the blog during this period.

He will have limited blog access for the next year or so, so this may very well be the death of the blog. The rest of us will have a tough time making up for Chris’s insightful and humorous blog posts. This, however, does not mean we plan to abandon the blog. We will post diligently and hope you continue to read us.

It’s a rare occurrence in this life of ours that we have the opportunity to meet an individual who has lived life the way he’s want to live it. And it’s even rarer that millions of people could meet and know someone without so much as saying one word to him.

Today, Randy Pausch, the professor from Carnegie Mellon whose “Last Lecture” became an internet and non-fiction sensation died from the terminal Pancreatic cancer he was diagnosed with nearly two years ago.

When my good friend showed me the news and I read the article, I felt unexplainably attached to him, something that was intricately more attuned then just my current ties to Carnegie… and my sentiments were echoed by my fellow friends who each received the news. So I began to wonder, what is it about this stranger that draws millions of people to feel as if they knew him so personally.

Growing up, I can only imagine what my future self would look like- in terms of personality, actions, dreams. When we come across someone who embodies the traits that you wish to see yourself have in the future, I think an immediate connection is drawn. And I think that is the case here.

More than being a computer sleuth and the quintessential family man we can only fawn at, Pausch was essentially just like me… just like us. He dreamt of going into space or at least a simulated zero gravity condition. He dreamt of marrying the perfect girl. He dreamt of writing an article for the World Book Encyclopedia. And most importantly, he dreamt of playing for the NFL.

He accomplished almost everything he set out to as a child (God gipped him on the NFL one) and he did it without sacrificing his personal life without sacrificing the essence of fun in his life. If you have not seen the video or read the book, I pray you please just watch the first five minutes at least, and realize who you’re looking at there, might as well be you.

The guy had class, he had wit, he lived the last year of his life the way we could only dream we can. And I think what made him special was that we all feel we can do the same now.

Now I’m by no means a fan of Micheal Moore and his tactics of humiliation to get a point across, but the events that unfolded last night have convinced me that something has to be done.

Last night, my sister and I prepared a pleasant dinner for my family- sans my mother, who was out of town. We prepared the traditional Korean style course— rice, kimchi, doenjang soup, fish, freshly chopped tomatoes mixed with cilantro and a tad of vinegar. We were excited that we had a chance to prepare dinner and we made more than we probably should have.

When my father came back from work, we dined peacefully in the well-lit dining room. Everyone in the room seemed relaxed… maybe a bit tired from the day’s work. We spoke about Obama’s visit to Afghanistan … well I did, my family isn’t really interested in politics.

“Obama’s time with Petraeus hasn’t changed his mind on…” I paused and ate the rest of what remained on my plate.

That’s when an acute pain stabbed into my tongue. I screamed in agony as I quickly ran from the table. My dad asked what was wrong and when I tried to answer my tongue exploded with pain. My mind was reeling from from this excruciating feeling and I raced to the bathroom to see what had happened. Though my mouth was full of Korean food, I was able to see that the bottom of my tongue (The frenulum) had caught to a bracket (braces) on the side of  my mouth.

Someone once told me that the penis was the most sensitive area in the body and I took their word for it… but I can tell you that the tongue is pretty damn sensitive. Speaking of penises, apparently the frenulum is a part on the penis.  It was my unfortunate privilege to Google frenulum and find that Google posts pictures of the results on the very top. Don’t Google it… just take my word for it.

The psychological damage from those pictures will be added onto the pending lawsuit.

What pending lawsuit you say? Well let me continue with the story where I left off.

After several failed attempts to disengage my tongue with a toothpick, I gave up and told my dad what happened.

My father rushed me to the emergency at Miami Children’s Hospital (Though I am 18, I am considered a child still by some standards so pedophiles stay away) and the whole way I was in agonizing gut-wrenching pain. You see, the tongue was stuck in such a way that I could not utter a word nor could I swallow.

The clerk in the emergency room casually asks my name and date of birth. She looks a bit bored and seems slightly amused by my panic. I ask her to hurry and let me see a doctor. She takes my info and after a few minutes I am called in. However, I’m not called in to be treated nonono I’m called in to fill out paper work. I AM DYING HERE AND THEY’RE ASKING ME TO SIGN SUPERFLUOUS PAPERS. I am calmed by security and told to wait in the reception area. Yeah… The irony of a reception area in an EMERGENCY ROOM.

After 2 hours of waiting, I am in a state of hopelessness. The searing pain had subdued and now it was just a constant throbbing stab. I sat there… drooling kimchi, rice and saliva out of my mouth in a busy reception room full of crying infants, unable to speak, unable to complain. Writing in capital letters to the hospital staff just isn’t the same as screaming at them. The drooling had caused me to be dehydrated… and I could not swallow water.  The lights in the hospital room where getting brighter, and my lips drier. They provided me a towel to drool on (thanks!) but insisted I waited to see the doctor. Thoughts started running through my head: “What if I couldn’t speak properly after this?” Oh boyyyy… I would sue them for everything they had.  My future depends on my speaking ability. “What if I couldn’t taste?” Oh I would lose my will to live.

Eventually it became clear the emergency room was the worst place to go for an emergency and my dad pulled a few strings to get the home number of my orthodontist (let the North Korean spy jokes begin). After another hour of waiting outside the orthodontists office and several mosquito bites to worsen my mood, he arrived and freed my tongue from its cage.

Today, my tongue feels very sore and my anger has burgeoned. How could the American health care system make it so that I had to wait 3 hours for a simple procedure of taking my tongue off my braces? Fortunately, my tongue is fine but If my speech or taste were impaired, I would sue in a heart beat.

Maybe Micheal Moore is right. Maybe we should all just move to Canada.

Quite recently I was enjoying a dandy 5-hour block of day-time televisions finest programming, Burn Notice. When in the midst of a crudely improvised car implosion and another tasteless spy tip by the sitcoms main protagonist did a commercial of the up most shameless quality appear. In this fabulous portrayal of mainstream advertising/marketing propaganda and visual presentation the commercial centers on two opposing children’s soccer teams in what appears to be a tightly contested match up (Think France v. Italy excluding the repetoire of Italian cheating technique). High stakes appeared to be in play somewhere in the neighborhood of trophies, honorable accolades, and playground shit-talking rights.

As the commercial progressed both teams clashed head on repeatedly–matching each other goal-for-goal and groin stomp for eye gouge. Excitement levels rose to that of a Europcup finals match up with a brawl erupting in my kitchen and improvised chants being heralded throughout my living room. All of a sudden the opposing teams striker, weaving his way through a battalion of pre-pubescent defenders, maced the goalie and bicycle kicked his team into victory. And then with middle-finger raised high McDonald’s proceeded to disregard all preconceived notions of television standards; by portraying the winning team jeering and mocking the losers, effectively torpedoing the losing team’s passenger ferry of morale and self-esteem. Real classy McDonald’s but I guess someone needs to teach the kids that not everyone can be a winner and that losing stings worse than daddy’s case of the clap. The winning team held their trophy up high, laughed, pointed, stuck out tongues, popped Crystal, and motor boated the team MILF’s. But the losing team just-… mmm broke your heart is what they did. The PAIN those kids portrayed was just so genuine and sincere they should be up for a day-time Emmy or Tony award. It’s as if they rounded up the kids prior to the shoot and set them up for disappointment by telling them Santa was a Nazi sympathizer.

But here comes this random Brazilian dude lugging armfuls of happymeals which is horseshit in itself since if the team did have a Brazilian player they would’ve won that game easy (refer: Pele), so lo and behold with a flick of a french fry and the slurp of a small Coke the losers began to swarm and manifest themselves into a pool of ecstasy and joy. In their celebration the winning team stood stock-still gawking in utter dogshit disbelief. One of the little pricks even began to cry a little (probably the tubby one). What kind of crap is this? What areyou trying to pull here McDonald’s? What kind of garbage life lesson are you trying to instill here? To supplant inconsolable grief we can find our salvation through shoddy fast food? You’re trying to tell me that the thing more gratifying than hard-earned victory over an unassailable opponent is a Big Mac curb stomping its way through my digestive tract?

So instead of feeling sympathy or remorse for these kids you can only muster a feeling of pity for them because it’s probably little Tommy supersizing his numbuh 3 or pudgy Billy scarfing down those fries is the reason for their 2nd half letdown.

Kiss my ass Mickey D’s. Endoring this kind of hoo-hah is what gets pricks and “investigative journalists” all in your grill. But let’s just go ahead and apply this lesson into the real world McDonald’s. How about the Laker’s lockeroom after game 6 of this year’s NBA Finals? I can imagine it now……

Coach Phil: Well that was a pretty tough loss team, I know we’ve gone through alot of struggle and turmoil as a team this past season. We’ve fought hard, gave it all, and never stopped believing. The unbeatable equation for victory that we were all taught as kids, teammates, and players by our parents and coaches has just been doused in gasoline and tossed into a bonfire. And we just ended our stellar season by setting a new NBA record for sucking the most ass in a Finals series. Plus we’ve also ascertained the fact that without Shaq Kobe is basically the equivalent of a one-armed, mentally handicapped child.

Kobe: I feel ya coach

Coach Phil: Shut up Kobe. But I got good news guys I’ll treat you all to some fast food!!!

Team: Yay!

Coach Phil: We’ll stop by Wendy’s and pick up a couple Shaq-attacks-… err I mean stack attacks.
The commercial:

Gary fumbled with his chopsticks as he attempted for what seemed to be the billionth time to grasp a hold of his tofu dumplings. The lacquered surface of the chopsticks greased up from the oil of the dumplings resulted in repeated failures and a resonating “click-clack” each time the dumpling slipped from his grasp. Although the various patrons of the restaurant heeded him no mind he began to flush red and slowly placed the chopsticks down on the table to give off the illusion that his hunger satiated and provided a legitimate excuse of some sorts to stop bastardizing a Chinese dining technique. He even tried to fake a small belch but even that couldn’t be accomplished as all he was able to muster up was a few grains of rice which in turn lodged themselves in his throat. He began to gag and quickly reached for his tea cup. In times of excitement we tend to forget a few significant details of our surroundings as our only focus tends to be on the approaching “danger”. He was quickly reminded of this little fact as the quite liberal amount of tea he sipped proceeded to execute a scalding blitzkrieg over his entire tongue and lips. He hurriedly spat out the tea in a flurry of saliva and tears and as he ashamedly dabbed at his swelling lips with his napkin. He recognized for the first time the recipient of his shower of spit and dandelion lentils.

“Aww, did my big baby drool all over himself again?” Grace said in a one of those cutesy-mocking tones that are normally reserved for “mother-to-son” moments, or “auntie-to-nephew” moments, or “creepy-cat-lady-to-kitty-who-just-soiled-the-carpet” moments you get the drift. But Grace, goddamn she was a whole ‘nother current to begin with. A petite girl with all the right curves in all the right places, she had the type of body that made both anorexics and fat chicks keel over in jealousy. Her jet black hair was pulled back in a bun save for a stray strange which she listlessly fingered whenever she busied herself in concentration over her studies which she did behind the cashier or dealing with indecisive tourists. On most nights he would spend in the restaurant finding himself lost in thought as he gazed dopedly at Grace bustling about her tables; oftentimes with glazed eyes, chin on palm, and a tiny eensy-weensy bead of drool making its way down his jaw.

Oh mighty Aphrodite, have you no mercy?

Gary had flunked out of Columbia University and was currently a proud student of New York City College: Queens Campus. He was majoring in Zoology. Grace on the other hand was an aspiring junior a few streets over at New York University, she was an aspiring dance whom Gary had actually seen at every one of her school venues. She actually came from quite an affluent family and really had no reason why she even held down her job at the “Lucky Wok” except for the opportunity to interact with the “community”. Community like Gary. Gary had stumbled into the “Lucky Wok” the day of his expelling from Columbia and had decided to down his sorrows with cheap imported Chinese liquor, lo mein, and a .16 mm pistol whom he nicknamed Hans. And from there he met Grace who in effect helped put his life in perspective and forced him to enroll into City College for a chance at redemption. From that night Grace had “adopted” Gary as her little brother, Gary didn’t say anything then he was both too afraid and intimidated by this angel that had appeared before him to save his life. Their relationship grew, with Gary and Grace soon divulging to each other their secrets, history, and even prom photos (Gary had to photoshop his!) Some nights their hands may have accidentally drifted into each others, some nights a conversation turned into something more intimate, and some nights when the jukebox was working a dance that may have started out with laughter and painful toe stepping changed into a slow dedicated rhythmic movement between man and woman. But every single time Gary… our poor Gary, still did nothing—said nothing. And every single one of those kinds of nights Grace left work seeming a bit… disappointed. Don’t get Gary wrong though, it’s not as if he didn’t like Grace, hell he never really understood love before Grace. He didn’t understand chick flicks or the reason for romance before Grace. He was just too afraid, of what we really don’t know. Fear of rejection, fear of losing Grace, fear of expression his emotion? Who knows, Gary never really spoke much.

But today though, today was going to be different. Today was the day that Gary Chan was going to profess his true feelings to the love of his life, Grace Park. Today was the day, yessiree roses beneath the table, tickets for Grace’s favorite Broadway musical in his wallet (Wicked for 8:30) and a heart on the brink of bursting apart with emotion. He figured now would be a good moment, the two of them alone in the restaurant, save for a hot tea kettle and Grace’s saliva stained smock. “Uhm, Grace I uh-… ahem, well I just uh…” Grace stopped dabbing at her smock with a napkin, eyes opened focused on Gary. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep through his nose she smelled softly of vanilla. “Grace I lo-… W’SUP BABE!” He opened his eyes in time to see Grace leap into the arms of some stranger. She responded with a squeal as he peppered her across the neck with kisses. They began to exchange words but Gary couldn’t hear them, his gaze drifted back down to under the table, the tickets in his left hand. He felt a hand on his shoulder—it was Grace. “That’s Julius we’re in the same German class together and he came up to me last week to tell me that he had like the longest crush on me! What do you think of him?” Gary smiled weakly but said nothing. “I know it’s been a short while we’ve been together but I think he might be the one huh-huh?” She giggled again and went back to Julius, their backs turned to him they again began to partake in their puppy love. Gary saying nothing left the restaurant neither of the pair heeding him any notice. As he walked along the discolored pavement a guest of wind billowed by, tearing through the roses until finally a petal came loose and floated down onto the road gracefully.

If you haven’t already seen the new Pixar movie WALL-E, then get up off your ass. In a summer where box office gold is being pumped out on an almost weekly basis WALL-E definitely stands out as one of the more, how could I word this? Epic movies of this summer. But as always with success comes hate, the pundits and critics are out in full bloom tossing their two-cents worth of verbal excrement. Many people acknowledge WALL-E as one big piñata of social commentary. The trash-ridden Earth a bleak look into our future, it’s a sight that would have made Al Gore either weep like a little girl or orgasm like the most experienced of porn stars . Critics and activists alike support WALL-E as the model medium to translate the message of “global warming” to a broader audience than the ever so optimistic “Day after Tomorrow” did.

There are others arguing that WALL-E’s message is that of the worlds, no scratch that AMERICA’S “tub-gut” problem. In the movie humans fled the Earth to their corporate sponsored luxury-resort spaceships where they and for generations after led easy, lethargic lives eventually devolving into basically Play-Doh people. Blinded by a continuous feed of television, snazzy advertising, and social networking-AHEMfacebookmyspaceeharmonyy-whoo excuse me I seemed to have soiled myself. Along with being equipped with the iPhone of Lay-Z Boy chairs WALL-E has become the poster boy of YMCA’s and Jenny Craig fitness centers everywhere.

Which is all fine and dandy until you walk outside and can instantly pick out 20 other people around the block that are even fatter. People also view WALL-E as an outcry against big corporations and their inevitable takeover of private enterprise. In the film Buy ‘n Large basically controls the entire world, uhm yeah the entire world. The CEO of the corporation is even the CEO of yes, the world. No where throughout Earth and in the luxury space cruiser is a square inch not plastered, broadcasting, or showcasing the ­­­­­­company logo. Much to my delight there was even a billboard advertisement adjacent to the Apollo lunar mission site, mmm classy.

Then there are the crazies who think WALL-E signifies the advent of the oncoming robotic revolution. These folks are usually quirky, insomniacs, and sexually depraved so our best bet for safety would be just to wait it out until the new Star Wars flick comes out.

But truth be told these people need to just CHILL. Breathe, relax, touch yourself, just anything just chill out and remember this is a Disney Pixar children’s movie. People need to stop going with all the hype and realize this movie for what it truly is… a love story. A lone robot stranded on this desolate planet that’s just in the shitter. He’s become self-aware collecting interesting scraps of memorabilia, befriending a cockroach who we will aptly name “Bob” for the heck of it, and becoming enamored with “Hello Dolly!” And witnessing the simplest of human gestures, holding hands, he realizes that he is truly alone. And you feel for Wall-E you truly do as each of his antics reminiscent of a time when we were all dopey lovebirds uncertain of how to express our feelings but we did know that we LOVED. Loved as Wall-E loved EVE, his robotic laser-cannon wielding soul mate. And the relationship between the two robots that Pixar tries to illustrate is just another testament as to why Pixar is and forever shall be the leader in CGI movies leaps and bounds beyond Dreamworks and LucasFilm. Their ability to express the relationship through absolutely NO dialogue, through Wall-E’s awkward advances and EVE’s destructive responses we can truly see the love and emotion that “overrides” the two. You can’t help but hope with bated breath with every attempt Wall-E makes to hold EVE’s hand. You can’t help but grimace as the two are torn apart and you can’t especially help but cheer when the two finally, hand-in-hand realize the love the two have for each other. Believe me when I say that I would love to describe the journey that these two ‘bots make but no words could ever come close to grasping the full beauty of it. Hence the next to no dialogue that occurs between the two besides a few synthesized “WAAAALLLLLEEEEEE” or “EEEEEVVVUHHHAAAA”.

He sat drearily in the back row of an English class, illuminated by the depressing fluorescent lights. What is it about fluorescent lighting that takes all the cheer out of a room? They shone and they made him quite melancholy. Now, a proper student would be enthralled with his current studies and would be able to properly suppress his penchant for woolgathering, but being a proper student is no sane way to complete grade school.

He wrote her initials on his palm. He was always told that love will addle your brain, but he always found it to his advantage to constantly be in a state of volatile neuroticism and placid sanity. He lived for the hormones. The hormones that run rampant on his body, tearing at brain tissue and making blood seethe with unprecedented vim. Y-E-S. No, not ever. Never.

-Chris

There has been a disturbing precedent amongst the bloggers of our site: All our introductions begin with revolting tales of our birth.

Rather than describe in vivid detail the true story of my 14 hour tug-of-war with a team of veteran German doctors which resulted in my birth, I’ll talk about who I am and why I want to contribute to this blog.

My name is David. I have ridiculously ambitious dreams and fantasies but have accepted that reality can only be seen through the lenses of pessimism. I have a foot in three different cultures: Argentinian, Korean and American. However, I’m sure that some of you will be quick to point out that I only have two feet so thus my previous statement is absurd. Well… touché.

I’ve tried to understand the world around me but it proved to be harder than I thought. I am convinced that I have at some point discovered all the answers of the universe but that my memory has failed me. What’s the point of finding out the deepest and most fundamental secrets of the universe only to forget it the next day?

I am hoping that I can use this blog to record things of significance or things with entertainment value that I can refer back to in the future. Yeah… so that means I won’t be funny all the time but so what? You’ve got 4 other men here that are on top of that.

(That’s what she said)

I was looking through my old Live Journal, circa late middle school early high school, and I found this charming little entry that I wrote on the lat day of Freshmen year that documented my unique morning routine. I’ve included two poorly-lit photographs for setting purposes.

It rained that morning, for the first time the whole year. My mother was more than happy to drive me and wait with me in the car at the bus stop. I couldn’t sleep on the bus though, i found myself being busy looking out the window, at the seemingly endless route I had been taking everyday for an entire school year.

I guess I should write about my typical morning, just so I never forget. Seeing as how I travel more and farther before the sun even comes up than most people do in an entire day.

I wake up. My hand instinctively slams down onto a conveniently large snooze button, although from time to time I find sleep-addled aim knocking my poorly-placed frames onto the floor. 5 AM is the time that reads, as far as my blurred vision can tell me. I’ll spare you the whole “bathroom” scene seeing as how it’s pretty routine.

I go outside, the weather is usually hot and humid, except during winter when it’s absolutely exquisite. The bus comes about 10 minutes later than scheduled, every morning, so I guess you might say that it’s on schedule to be off schedule and 5:40 is the time usually illuminated by my cell phone as I check for text messages and missed calls I might have received overnight.

I am always careful to shield my head from the after wind kicked up by the halting bus so it doesn’t mess up my hair any further than the humidity already has. I brush down all the strays as if the world is watching when I step onto the pitch-black bus. The bus driver always greets, me, which is nice. He’s the first human communication I have all day, even if he only exchanges a phatic greetings with me. As I make way to the back of the bus I can make out Rafeal’s recumbent figure, joining the gap between bus seats. I always settle for the seat two in front of him as to not wake him up, even though I know he’s not sleeping. Some days I’ll lie down and try to sleep, but it’s kind of difficult when I don’t have my batman pillow, which is constantly in the wash (and yet is always dirty). Other days I’ll sit up watch things, like streetlights and early morning commuters.
It’s a long while before we make the third stop of the morning at Eskimo’s. I usually never experience this because by this time I am almost always already asleep. I do recall one day near Halloween when I had the idea to scare Eskimo with a ridiculous rat mask I had procured from a Party City bargain bin. I got down on my belly and dragged myself along the floor of the school bus until I was directly below his seat. I popped up from under and made some inhuman noise reminiscent of a goose with Strep throat. Eskimo instinctively elbowed the rat monster in the eye socket causing it to fall to the ground unconscious.

With the staccato release of an air brake everyone on the bus rises from their comas. It’s still dark as we warily wamble off the steps of the bus. I rush to the escalator and that is where every morning I say hello and start a chat with Rafa and Eskimo.

Usually we just go on through the handicapped entrance, but sometimes we are hassled with the prospect of reaching patting ourselves down in search of a wallet, just to fumble with through it in search of a metro pass that reads the name of the current month superimposed on a ghastly floral pattern.

We usually try to catch to earlier train because it picks up an interesting group of kids from New World School of the Arts at the North Side station who we enjoy carousing with on the 30-minute train ride. I am most of the time unsuccessful because it leaves slightly before we usually arrive at the platform. So instead I stand high above the surrounding area and watch a purple and orange sunrise as a secret breeze reserved for rooftops and treetops makes its way past, kissing my cheeks.

“A south bound train is approaching the station, please step back on the platform edge. please wait until passengers exit the train ‘be foreboding’”- I would always make that play on words in my head, it reminded me to take on a certain character that day. Standing on the yellow line, the string of cars brings along a heavy gust of wind that almost always officially wakes me up. Once on the train Rafa makes smooth transitions between cars to be in the company of his fellow upper-classmen. Eskimo and I don’t mind, we know about the high school hierarchy by this point. Eskimo and I like talk about the previous days activities, the going-ons, the gossip, we love it. This continues the majority of the time that we’re on the train. We get off at Allapatah and take the “J” or the “36” (which we often find ourselves running for) to 36th and Biscayne Blvd. We escort each other to the school about 3 blocks away. On the way I usually point out a stencil or two I had put up on a day where Eskimo was sick or truant. We always share a laugh at Eskimos “bag boy” stencil on a traffic light across the street from school. We walk into school, greeted by the shrill cries of the caged finch and the sweet aroma of rotting vegetation. We were never able to locate the exact origins of the smell, but it was always there, it was a staple. In the cafeteria we would rest our heads until some disturbance startled our slumber.

A sector of the schools courtyard.

There were days when it would rain and flood the courtyard so that our school had our own temporary lake until the sun drank it up.

At 7 AM, we wake up, eat breakfast, and copy your homework quickly. The menagerie that is the student body enter the cafeteria of Design and Architecture Senior High adorned in high school regalia that tests the most outer limits of our schools already lenient dress code. Conversation sparks and flows left and right frenetically and you get caught up quickly and in a very confused manner. The bell rings at 7:40, we exit the café to our first period classes and the day really begins.

-Chris