Deep in some barren, desolate place, lying next to the corpses of a half frozen tauntaun and other obscure Star Wars references, through some wrinkle in space and time, Padme Amidala and William Shakespeare conceived an entity that would be known, millions of years later as William (PleaseMarryMeNataliePortman) Mueller.

How did it take a million years to find a way out of a birth canal? Well I cannot honestly answer that. It was dark, I can tell you that and it was awfully slippery. It was pretty much like being trapped inside a tub of jell-o, except it wasn’t cherry flavored… not even orange.

So, where to begin? At age 4… minutes, I was doing one-handed push ups in my incubator until some orderly screamed and tied my hands behind my back. But no, my bulging biceps were not the only instruments… or shall I say instrument, I had to continue my push up regimen (that one is for the ladies… and my 12th grade English teacher (not you LOPEZ)). From that splurge of infantile muscle building, I became a man at age 5… minutes. Sporting disgustingly protuberant neck muscles, ice carved abs, and a tush that would make any Hispanic woman gasp. That was me… then.

18 years later.

I was once told that I “had the biggest butt crack ever seen because [I] have no actual ass”. Yes, my life of glam is over. I am now an avid Star Wars, sports, anything blonde with legs, rap and r&b, Raiders, and jocular freak. That, ladies and gentleman, is how I roll. I know the first and last names of every Asian in a Hispanic dominated community and I have convinced myself that I am, at the very least, 1/8th Asian (I rather not specify and endanger my far spreading roots).

I like big butts and I cannot lie. I have spent my whole life trying to replicate the glory of Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. My first ever tackle football season I was sacked 36 times and threw 11 interceptions. My first ever flag football tournament my team lost in 4 minutes and a half… and the other team was crippled. I do not smoke, spit, drink (anything besides Japanese and Korean liquor), whine, cringe, sneeze, nor cry. I do not know what I will contribute to this blog.

And I like that.

I was once the 27th ranked Halo 2 player during the summer of 2006. I once crafted 250 mouse droids in Star Wars Galaxies. I once crafted an entire wireless network for my house using pliers, a Band-Aid, and three yards of dental floss. These things and throwing game winning touchdowns to a little Korean hunk named David Lee during middle school, comprise my life’s greatest accomplishments.

I do not know what suburban is nor what connoisseurs do, but AY JESUCHRISTO it sounds classy.

P.S. My grandmother is 20 years old. (Chris: It’s true)

P.S.S. I like Japanese girls 🙂