So, every time I open my internet browser (Mozilla baby) my iGoogle gives me the top three “HowTo’s” of the day. Yesterday’s featured “how to” was: “How To Compete with Other Lemonade Stands”.

Now, I know as our culture has progressed, the lemonade tradition has slowly eroded and faded into the depths and back-burners of our history, and I, as an American citizen, would like to state that that is a crying shame.

Lemonade stands teach the importance of cooperative business owning; it’s a vital experience for young children about the business world. They’ll know how hard a buck is to come by, and make intellectual decisions based on this.

Unfortunately our world is permeated by technological hindrances that handicap our youth in the business and decision-making world. I would like for you to watch this short video as an example (if you have not already seen it).

This poor young adult, not only plagued by a disturbingly baritone vocal but by poor financial decisions. “Bobo the freakin’ clown?!” are you kidding me? Boy oh boy, lemonade stands are sorely missed. No child who spent a whole summer selling 8 oz lemonades at 25 a pop would dare squander his earnings on an could-be pedophiliac clown. Thus, I think it’s time for a change. Let your children know, let your siblings know, let your neighbors know, the time for the Lemonade Renaissance, is NOW.

Here’s my best tips to succeed in the highly-competitive lemonade market.

1. Don’t be afraid to get a play a little dirty. Have to replace your competitors lemonade supply with freshly squeezed cat urine? Not a problem, wear some gloves and do what it takes to get the job done.

2. Stay on top of your competitors. So “David Lee” down the block decided to be a douche and charge a scandalous 24 cents a pop? Walk on over to Mr. Lee’s house and kidnap his sister. Leave a threatening but somewhat garbled ransom note at the foot of his stand and let him know you don’t appreciate his subterfuge. If he still doesn’t comply, then send him Baby Lee’s favorite teddy bear, without paws, a bit bloodied and in a body bag.

3. Stay classy. Construction paper, permanent markers, and a blow horn. That’s old school and old school just emanates classy. Leave the new school generation to 64 bit projection screens and side-of-the-road hoes. You know they ain’t gettin’ none anyway.

-Mueller

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