I’m writing about this because packs of wild kangaroos have been running rampant in our suburban community these past months as a direct result of the cane toad embargo in Australia. Frankly, my heart is too damn big to go along with my life knowing that hourly, our suburban youth are being mauled by these Horribly vicious and slightly bizarre Australian marsupials.

Armed with deceptively comical boxing gloves and the ability to spit vast distances, it is no wonder that kangaroos are responsible for 100% of all kangaroo-related deaths.

Watch this short video to learn how to protect yourself. From the people who brought you dehydrated water and the helicopter ejection seat I give you, Kangaroo Repellent.

I edited out the portion in which the slathering on of the dingo urine occurs, just because it was pretty graphic and definitely gross, and that’s just not the kind of blog I’m trying to run here. I’m just trying to arm you with knowledge… and Australian canine body fluids, but if I can protect just one of our suburban youth from another feral kangaroo attack, I’ve done my duty as an American citizen and suburban connoisseur.

Stay safe out there.