What more fitting of a way then to begin this “Suburban Connoisseur” epoch of sport reporting than by displaying the sparkle in one of the most spellbinding and electrifying sports around… professional golf!

However maligned the sport may be to anyone with less than 401k and a rich uncle, there is a reason why golf has lasted half a millennia (or something) and my man Tiger Woods is that reason.

It was reminiscent of the 2004 ALCS in which Curt Shilling rocked the Yankees to force a game seven in the playoffs, while pregnant and hemorrhaging from the ankle… displaying something we here at SC like to call “gusto”. But what Tiger did these past four days just dealt a metaphorical atomic wedgie to old man Curt.

And this was just after the second hole

(and this was just after the second hole)

Tiger had to pull out of the “warm-up” tournament Memorial at the time because of “unspecified ailments.” He had reported beforehand that he was feeling some discomfort in his knee, but sports pundits across the globe called him a sissy. They thought he was “faking”, I mean, jeez! the best golfer in the modern era, a faker? (Jump into the path of a moving freight train ESPN)

Well behind closed doors Tiger was meeting with his doctor who discovered two clandestine leg fractures. That’s right TWO LEG FRACTURES. I sprained my knee my once in 10th grade and I couldn’t even get up to see the finale of Dancing with the Stars! But not Tiger, he looked straight into the eyes of the doctor who told him not that he shouldn’t play, but that he couldn’t and told him straight up: ‘I’m playing in the U.S. Open and I’m going to [split some shit.]’

Tiger would of course go on to play nearly 100 holes of golf (instead of the typical 18) because of a playoff round and of course won his 14th major in a sport that once was fair… until Tiger started playing.

This is just the latest triumph to be added to the legacy of Tiger Woods, the most dominating sports athlete of his time… now if only golf was a sport…

-Mueller

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