In 20,000 BCE (Before the Conception of Eva Mendes) Zeus, the biggest pimp daddy in this galactic strip joint we call the “Milky” Way realized that he was bored. Dead beat, motha’ lovin’, watch the entire 13th season of The Gauntlet and Real World Austin (Oh Melinda!) reruns, Bored. It was summer, school was out, and Hercules was buggin’ the righteousness out of him.
He decided he needed to teach the little spoiled squirt a lesson so he took him to the front lawn, ripped off two arms and a breast from Hera (he was a tad abusive) and started the glamorous sport of tennis in his own pasture, which was consequently named Wimbledon.
But this year controversy has stirred in the sport of the Gods, and in their very home, Wimbledon. Apparently, the courts of Wimbledon have a chronic bird problem.
And by that I mean a pigeon problem. Apparently these little Avian beasts swoop down on the courts of the greatest players in the world and distract them doing their little dance of death. Any little distraction of course, can throw these elite players for a loop and consequentially cost them millions of dollars, endorsement deals, and, possibly, reproductive systems.
So the officials for the Wimbledon tournament have, quite ingeniously, hired Hawks in order to discourage these rascals from further endangering the proceedings. “The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said. How sick is that? A freakin’ bloody Hawk just terrorizing the shit out of not-so-clever-anymore pigeons?
Well apparently the Hawks can’t do it all, as some pigeons have found some soft spots in the tournament’s defensive grid (someone has been consulting Admiral Ackbar). Well the officials were fed up with the spectators and players complaining so they hired this man to take them out.
That’s right, a hired marksman to sow death and discord on the English pigeon population. And of course, after the problem was solved, those whiny PETA people started bitchin’ about killing pigeons… and I thought to myself, have they seen what happens when pigeons get in the way of a tennis match?
Dinosaurs kill men, Men kill pigeons, Pigeons kill babies, PETA kills humanity, that is the way the circle of life works. Obviously having pigeons die the way they’ve been accustomed to for the past millennia would be a better way than this cruel and demoralizing way. So why do these arsenic infused succubi at PETA continue to protest? It’s not even a classy protest, it’s no covert blog commenting, it’s outright malignancy!
They sent a dude dressed in a devil costume to parade around the GRAVE of a Ringling Bros. employee when he died, they made a huge fuss over Michael Vick (and consequentially shattering the dreams and aspirations of America’s Youth), they practice Euthanasia on animals and they promote arson!
Yet they think because they brainwash women of the “Large Bosom League” into posing nude for their scandalous photo shoots, things will wash over, they’ll make a few bucks, and gain boundless notoriety…. Which brings me to my hypothesis…