I survived living in another culture different from my own

Appalling. Just when I thought American television had reached the bottom of the bottomless barrel with shows like Flavor of Love and a Shot at Love 2, ABC premiered “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” on Tuesday. The show centers on the immersion of 10 American contestants into Japanese culture, in an attempt to simulate culture shock.

Well I’ll be damned…

First I’d like to congratulate whoever sat in a small cubicle, scratching that big ol’ noggin of theirs thinking up more ways for the World to hate America. First, we have people going to islands that are already populated, and telling them to survive for one month where people have had to live their whole lives. “Oh no, I don’t have my BlackBerry! But I love this game!” Second, we have washed up rap stars choosing among eligible, yet extremely trashy bachelorettes, and bisexual vixens doing the same only with a mixed group of both men and women. And now this.

God I love America.

Only in our culture do we lack the creativity to create our own game shows that we must infiltrate those of other countries. Only in our culture do we send our own people to be humiliated for their lack of dexterity and any type of ability to complete an obstacle course. Only in our culture is all of this a game.

Now ignoring the fact that the show is a complete parody of Japanese culture, as the only attempts to instill culture into the motley crew of contestants are riddled with tones of mockery, the actual content of the show is complete shit.

Let’s start with the contestants. Darcy, the first one to get eliminated on the show cried after the first challenge because she couldn’t stay on a treadmill long enough for her team mate to eat “mocchi balls” off of her head. Grow some balls woman, this isn’t a Miss Kentucky pageant where crying and a few hand jobs will get you a bouquet of flowers and a banner. This is Japan, the modern equivalent of Sparta, land of Ninja Warrior and Unbeatable Banzuke. This isn’t The Bachelor or Wipeout- this is the real shit. The rest of the contestants lack any of the spunk or ability that normal Japanese contestants have shown on these programs, and are simply the scum scraped from the bottom of the melting pot that is the United States.

Next is “Mama-san”, the small Asian woman who is deceptively cute but comes with a temper larger than my sister’s bosom. If they were trying to go for the anger and fury carried by Asian mothers, they failed miserably. I once met Leu’s mother, as the Heavens cried and the Earth shook beneath my feet, and even her friendly greeting caused me to shake in my bootsies. Mama-san’s commands didn’t even make me bat an eyelash.

It was one hour of my life wasted. Never have I been so insulted by an American produced television program. The show will probably be redundant and the idea will be overused by the time they try to push for a second season come next summer.

But God knows I will be there watching every second of it. The same way people thrive on the trashy antics of Tila Tequila, so do I thrive on the way America continues to come last in the World stage of culture and respect.