Lives can be turned around by the smallest of decisions and tonight, when my friend Mr. Chu and I agreed to accompany two of our friends to the midnight release of “Breaking Dawn” (The Twilight Series) I sincerely believe our lives have been warped.
I have been to two Star Wars Movie premiers at midnight (donning my Jedi robes nonetheless), I have stood in line for hours for the midnight release of Halo 3, and I have snuck into many a Marvel movie in my time, but let me tell you the sheer fervor of these crazed women shook me to my very core.
You would think that a 300 square foot acre area packed with over 500 women would smell something like estrogen-infused bliss… but the aroma of sweaty armpits and reeking puberty resonated above all. There were no- how shall I put this- Monroes in attendance, no no, these women were straight from the Hills have Eyes and Can Read epoch. Star Wars fans are classy, you either have a Storm Trooper outfit on or you rock the Jedi hood. But these literary devourers had fake vampire teeth and torn prom dresses, painted blood and shiny eyelashes, demonic nail designs and worst of all… way too much hosiery.
As my colleague and I strode down the lineup of precarious women we noticed two of our former schoolmates in attendance; we did our manly duty and greeted them but before we realized they had sprung up from their prone positions and raced down the line, apparently it started to move. They were very quick in moving forward but the girls behind us were not and slowly realization started trickling in… the gap in between us and the next group of shrieking overweight Harpies was about to be closed in. Suddenly a roar unlike anything I have ever heard erupted from their mouth and a stampede tore towards me and Mr. Chu. I was willing my feet to move, to plaster myself against the wall and hope that somehow one of them would trip and cause a gigantic ball of congestion but my feet simply would not obey.
So many theories circulate about what goes through your head when you can see impending doom racing towards your mortality. Let me set it straight once and for all: you piss your goddamn pants. My feet simply were as transfixed as my conscious was in the final seconds of my humanity. But abruptly and unexpectedly, the backhand of my faithful friend Mr. Chu brushed against my sternum and sent me sprawling into safety moments before my life escaped.
God bless the Chinese.