“Uh, Will?”

I opened my eyes groggily confronting an equally disheveled reflection of myself in the mirror. I had left the sink on and my toothbrush was in the works of reenacting the sinking of the Titanic. Taking one final look in the mirror I saw a lone eyedookie clinging to my eyelash. While splashing that cold, invigorating Indiana tap water onto my face I rotated my neck to face my more pudgier roommate of four days.

“Uh Will?”

I continued staring at him, not saying a word. If your mornings are going to blow why not try to spice things up once in a while?

“Hey uh Will you there?”

I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. Should I respond verbally? Or parley with his face with the “twins” (raises fists): Andrew Jackson and Jamal.

“Yoo-hoo, is anybody in there?” He playfully knock-knocked against the mirror to, I guess, visually emphasize his point in the most visually upsetting way ever.

“C’mon Will I’m sorry for intruding but can you please respond?”

Wow I hated his impeccable politeness and courteous disposition. Always quick with a “please” or “thank you” his inability to be an asshole pissed me quite the fuck off frankly. I stirred the twins a bit, Jamal likes his beauty rest.

I muted my roommate, watching his mouth move up and down I was pretty sure if I heard one more ‘excuse me’ I’d suffer an aneurysm and our health insurance coverage didn’t include Indiana. Shit I don’t even think I have health insurance period.

As I readied myself to throw it down UFC style I had a sudden change of heart. He DID bring the microwave, TV, and fridge. So… ehhhh.
“Yeah Ryan, whats poppin?”

“Ho-hum looks like the hens are in the coops after all!”


“Are you done using the sink?”

“Yeah sure enjoy yo’self.”

I gathered my things and was about to relinquish my claim upon the sink when Ryan chirped up once more

“Hey Will?”

Deep sigh. “Yep Ryan?”

“You forgot your underwear again nude-a-rino!!!!”

And that was when mah fist… stopped right in his face